Commandant de ferry
9th September 2013
Reference: Clifford’s Baguette
Cher Commandant de ferry,
I am writing on behalf of mon amie, Clifford Woodhead. He would write himself but il a des problèmes avec la lecture et l'écriture, as he was born in Yorkshire and as such barely holds more than a rudimentary grasp of the lecture et écriture.
Prejudice aside, Monsieur Woodhead is an annual passenger aboard your vessel, the Pont Avens. Every year Clifford saves his francs to join you aboard the pride of the Biscay fleet where he luxuriates himself in all that is français. Within minutes of boarding, Clifford totally amerces himself in so many of your national pastimes; eating songbirds, trying to sink the Rainbow Warrior and of course, running away from Allemande passengers quicker than Ronan O’Gara flees from a tackle.
Clifford loves his time abroad, aboard your bateau. His highlight is your chicken and salad baguette, sold in your lunchtime restaurant. The moist, succulent and savoury poulet filling has become something of a legend in the Woodhead residence. The 52 weeks pass between trips with Clifford carefully saving the whole cost (£2.75) of the baguette by borrowing money from charity boxes and fiddling the sociale.
Sadly, it has come to light since returning from our recent voyage that the quality of the chicken and salad baguette has been drastically compromised. As a result, Clifford’s voyage across the sea, aboard your boat, was something of a disappointment. The problem, it would appear, is that the amount of poulet in the baguette has been greatly reduced from previous years. So much so, that Clifford believes that the baguette should actually be described as a salade et un peu de poulet baguette. He also feels that he is owed a significant refund on his purchase, plus compensation for the resultant trauma and suffering that arose from his disappointment. Not least, that his wallet was unburdened of such an extravagant amount.
His disappointment is best summed up in his own words, ‘it were a bit like turning on Countdown, having deprived yourself all year of the final conundrum teaser, only to find out that Carole Vorderman had returned to replace Rachel Riley…..it were a reet kick in the stones’
I trust you will take this complaint with all seriousness and I look forward to hearing from you in due course.
R M Snowdrop